🖊️ Easy to Forget

To: (123) 456-7890 -- From: Asteri

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Song: [Camden - Gracie Abrams]

Book: [Whoniverse - Lance Parkin]

Keywords: [being queer, life, pain, parents]

It's so easy to forget.

As humans, we naturally want to forget the bad things, the things that cause us pain, because it's easier. It's ok, we all do it. But it can then be very confusing when you forget things you think you really should remember, cause then you think "am I just holding onto this because I want to hold a grudge, or does it actually hurt?" and then a spiral ensues.

That's what I'm dealing with right now. In Cuts and Bruises on My Heart I talked so much about my pain, and about taking the space to heal from that pain. But exactly what I was scared of happening this summer is happening. I was so scared leading up to summer break because I know myself, and I knew that once I was at home all the time, my rebellious nature would start to slip away for the sake of comfort. That all the feelings telling me that my parents were hurting me and that I had been in pain for a long while now would dim, because it's so much easier to just listen and conform to the environment around you when you're in it for long periods of time. And when I'm around my parents every day in our house, of course we want to pretend that everything's fine. That they didn't say "I don't like you" and "I didn't want a nonbinary child" to my face. That they didn't put me in such terrible pain that I cried to the point of losing my breath. Cause that stuff hurts, and it's so much easier to forget it happened and forgive.

What I'm struggling with is when to forgive and when to hold my ground. Because it's good to forgive (when people deserve it) so that you're not holding on to pain for the rest of your life and making the other person a villain unnecessarily. But it's also good to hold onto the pain and say "this happened, and this hurt. And this mistake and these words hurt me, and they are not okay and have consequences." It's really difficult. Because I want everything to just be okay. I want to forgive my parents and go back to hugging them and being one happy, connected family. It's so easy to pretend that that's happening, that I'm healing over this week and that it's okay. And I am healing a bit; it's definitely helped to have one step in the right direction and no conflict in a whole week. 

But then my body betrays me, underneath the plastered-on fineness. The fact that I cannot voluntarily touch my parents, even when I think I want to; my body says "no, this isn't right". The way I can tell, deep down, that I'm in a state of "this is fine, see? This is fine, I'm telling you, this is fine," when it's really not fine at all. The way when I'm out of the house and around my friends that I'm so much more comfortable; when I have time to stop and think and feel being away from my parents, I truly realize how hypervigilant and fake I'm being at home. And it's the way at night, when I'm alone, that I go a bit crazy and I feel slightly sick and I keep crying and crashing out. 

My brain is trying so hard during the day to pretend that I'm fine because it's comfortable. My brain is making me comfortable because I really do want to forgive my parents and have everything be fine. And I'll go whole days happy, seemingly genuinely happy. And then I'll get to moments like this or nighttime and stop and think, "wait. No, this isn't right. You haven't actually healed from any of this. They've barely showed you that they can be trusted with your forgiveness." And it comes back. 

It's hard though, because, like I said earlier, it leads to the question of "am I just holding a grudge?" But I think I'd know if I was holding a grudge because it'd be so hard to make myself be angry and uncomfortable. I can tell when I'm making myself be happy and comfortable because something feels wrong, not right. I think if I was holding a grudge, the pain would feel "not right", and I would know it. That gives me comfort.

It's okay to remember your pain. It's good actually, so you don't forget that you're allowed to feel your pain out and not forgive people immediately, even your parents. You'll heal eventually; you'll know when you do <3

Hang in there, loves <3

--Asteri ⭐️