🖊️ Disaster

To: (123) 456-7890 -- From: Asteri

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Song: [Minor Feelings - Rina Sawayama]

Book: [NatGeo Kids magazines]

Keywords: [life, love, pain, parents, trauma]

Tonight, I have no metaphors or philosophy. This is just a recounting of what happened to me in the past 28 hours, because it is far too much to write down by hand.

At 7:45 last night, I had a planned talk with my parents about therapy. I was expecting to be going into a conversation about my goals for therapy. However, my dad told me that my relationship with my current therapist was being cut off because she did not inform my parents when i was self-harming and did not invite my parents into the therapeutic relationship. My mom made me delete my therapist's contact information from my phone in front of her on the spot, and if I ever communicate with my therapist again I will face consequences.

That night, I was sobbing. It felt like my whole world was burning; my mind was on fire again in a way it hadn't been for weeks or maybe months. I had just told my friend Aaron how I hadn't want to cut for months despite all the things with my parents and how proud I was of myself. But I wanted to cut again then. Because the only other adult I trusted who knew what was truly happening besides my parents was my therapist. And so my support system was dead. I did not—and do not—trust my parents; I struggle to trust my friends because my parents keep saying they're wrong; I trusted my therapist but was then told that she did things she was not allowed to do with me; and I did not—and do not to some extent—trust myself, because my parents have sowed so much doubt into my mind that I do not trust that my thoughts are true or that my subconscious is telling me the truth.

I did not cut. I drew stars on my arm instead like I taught myself, and I got through it.

This morning, I got up quietly, got ready quickly like I have been, and my dad drove me to school. He said he'd pick me up at 7:30pm for karate practice. 

All day, I was minorly zoned out and just completely done. I had reached a point the night before of so Done With This Shit that I did not even want to try anymore with my parents. I agreed with what Aaron and I had discussed on campus the night before, before the therapy "conversation" with my parents. That my parents keep having good intentions that are hurting me, and that to stop being potentially hurt I need to leave instead of continuing to believe that they won't hurt me this time. I talked with Elias and Aaron and Elspeth, and I got through the day alright. My classes were really good, which helped. I spoke in Meeting about how in astronomy we are taught that everything is hurtling through space even if we feel like we're standing still, and how am I supposed to make decisions that will stop my inner motion of pain and worry when I'm hurtling through space? It stuck with me.

Right after breakfast, my mom told me that they were going to meet me at school at 3:45 to "have a family conversation". I met up with my friends after school, thinking I was going home. But then my parents parked in the parking lot, and told me that they only wanted to talk for half an hour and that I had the choice to talk on campus or at home. I chose campus, and led them down a pretty nature path I liked exploring.

On this walk, they told me that they had found the writing on my wall from December, the first time I cut when they went nuclear when I said I didn't feel supported and took all of my communication away from me for the night. I asked why they were in my room poking around and my mom blatantly ignored the question. They said that they were concerned about me and wanted to check in. I was still Done With This Shit, but I was honest that family life has been hard for months because our relationship has been a disaster for months. Even with the "positive" changes recently.

Things get blurry here, but we got to a bridge where I stopped to turn back at them in exasperation about something. We touched on several topics, including:

a) My therapist, again. My mom said that apparently they could sue her for what she did if they wanted. They used her throughout the conversation to justify their intervention, saying that I need a therapist who knows how to work with teens, who will challenge me as the adult, and who will involve my parents in the therapeutic relationship. I fought back, telling them that my previous therapist had challenged me, and did not involve my parents because the problems were about them. 

b) My boarding letter from earlier this summer. They said that my therapist had encouraged me to leave my parents and leave my home—a lie which I furiously denied. I explained that I had discussed the idea with my therapist, and had gone through the pros and cons with her. And that the letter was about getting space to heal so I could better approach my family relationship, not running away. That I said in the letter that I didn't feel safe, and my mom's response was, "You said you don't feel safe, like we beat you or something." In present day, my mom strongarmed me, saying that the letter was me asking to leave whether I knew it or not.

c) My parents' intentions. 

They came to me wanting to help me, to be a part of my "care team" with a new therapist to support me and be a part of my life and healing. That they understand that they keep screwing up, and want yet another chance to do better. I flipped out, and said the things I had been stewing over the entire day but had restrained thus far. That I didn't know if I wanted to try again, because every time I give them another chance they hurt me, and I don't know if I'll ever trust them again, and I'm so tired. 

It wasn't very resolute, but it also was very resolute at the same time. My parents were kind of shocked. My dad asked me if I really was not willing to try again, to which I said that I didn't want to make that decision at that moment because of how upset I was. I explained that I wasn't thinking clearly, and that I didn't trust my own thoughts to be true anymore. My mom, who had already been pretty angry, got angrier, quoting one of my December wall quotes: "I guess our daughter is dead. Congratulations." She told me that if I didn't want to live with them that I could go live with my grandparents and enroll at the high school near them. But that if I want to go to my current school, I have to live with them.

I lost the ability to speak at this point. I was standing on the bridge gasping, trying to talk, but no words would come out; only small sounds. I went mute, effectively. We "ended" the conversation; I will never forget walking in between my parents on that bridge with purpose in my step but tears streaming down my face. A determination and pride in saying what I felt and taking control of my own life, but a shock and pain and terror I had never felt before that had rendered me legitimately speechless.

I led my parents all the way back up to our main square. At that point, my mom made me hand over my phone and laptop. I asked them then, "Where am I going?" My mom told me she wanted to un-enroll me from my current school right then and there, so I could enroll at the high school near my grandparents. I just stared at her in unfiltered horror. My dad told me that it broke his heart that I even had to think about whether or not I wanted to keep trying with our family. Then they left, to pick me up at 7:30pm (it was 4:45pm at this point).

After they left, I stood there in shock for a minute before running inside of our main building (called Main). I was sobbing, my mind was racing, and I felt so viscerally terrified. My world, which I already had thought was burning and crumbling, had just gotten an insanely new level of unbelievable. I found a group of juniors and seniors I'm friends with called Corner Group; I interrupted their conversations to say I had an emergency. After blurting out basic details, I asked them to help me find the dean I'd been discussing my parent problems with last year and/or my advisor. One friend helped me get water and take some breaths, while a bunch of others went around trying to find the dean. I frantically got my paper from my bag with Evelyn's number on it, and called her with no answer. Eventually we settled on my advisor, who I called on my friend's phone and who I then met with in person about five minutes later.

I explained the whole situation to him. He didn't have much wisdom, but he checked in with me about safety and helped me weigh my options a little. It was grounding to talk to an adult who I trust.

After that, I came back downstairs to two of Corner Group, who helped me find Elias and Aaron. We were unsuccessful for a bit (there was lots of shouting at my one friend's phone), but eventually he came bursting into the dining hall with Aaron on the line. I told Aaron, "Hi, welcome to my emergency." I gave the really basic details, and within five minutes he was there. I was sitting at a table, and when I saw him I leapt up, ran to him, and hugged him so hard. I started crying; all my terror flooded in in his arms. He held me close and told me that he had me and was right there. Eventually we sat down, I told him what had happened, and he spent the next two-ish hours talking things through with me.

Around 6pm, Elias came into the dining hall. I ran to him too, and we explained things to him. Aaron used a lot of strategies and explanations, but it can all be boiled down to a few points.

1) My parents may have meant well this entire time, but they have still continuously hurt me.

2) Just because someone gives me affection doesn't mean I have to take it.

3) Family isn't based on blood, it's based on love and care and trust. In Aaron's words in response to me not wanting to lose my family (aka parents), "If that is what you think family is, I think you're dead wrong."

4) I deserve freedom and safety and to be able to be myself and trust people. I deserve to leave the cycle.

However, I kept struggling with not knowing when to give up. Because despite all of this, I love my parents, and I don't want to lose them. So I decided to try again. Understanding what Aaron told me, which is that I need to do what I need to to survive, and that may very well mean a lot of going along with whatever they say until I reach a point where things are better for me. It's all going to be very, very hard. But Aaron pledged to be there for me through it all, and Elias... well, he's Elias. He's kind of made that his job.

So when I got in the car at 7:30, I told my parents I was sorry for freaking out. And that I wanted to try again, because I didn't want to lose them. That I thought we should find a new family therapist, and that I need them to stop pressuring me to heal and instead give me the space to. It was all very somber.

Internally, I'm still not sure what I want to do. I again want to believe that this time things will get better, that they mean it that they will change and help support me. But, as I made clear to Aaron, I also know that it's these cycles of hope and hurt that get women in abusive relationships killed by their boyfriends. I know that I still have absolutely zero trust in my parents, and I'm not sure I ever will again. Every ounce of trust I had in them has been degraded so completely that I don't think it will ever come back. I don't want to try again with everything I've got, and I have an understanding with Elias and Aaron that this is the last time. If it goes bad again, I have to get out. 

I really struggle, because my friends never saw the 15 years where my parents were everything to me. Where they loved me endlessly and supported everything I did and we never had problems. And I still can't reconcile those people with the people who actively have been ruining my life and mental health for nearly a year. I haven't given up on them completely the way Aaron has with his parents.

But there's a difference between what I want to do and what I have to do, and Aaron, Elias, and I talked about this. I cannot lose my current school, thus I must keep living with my parents. However, it's comforting knowing that the two of them have got my back, and that now Corner Group does too. They helped me immediately today, no questions asked, and I am immensely grateful for that. So, no matter what happens, I have people on my side who I trust and who I know love me. 

I have my family with me. Till the end.

--Asteri ⭐️