🖊️ Quiet Wounds Still Hurt

To: (123) 456-7890 -- From: Asteri

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Song: [Pretty Little Addict - Haiden Henderson]

Book: [The Weight of the Stars - K. Ancrum]

Keywords: [being queer, pain, parents]

My transition has been very interesting. Let me explain.

In relativity, my parents are very supportive. I am still loved, secure in my home, and not being abused for my genderfluid-ness.

However.

(This is where the fun begins)

There's still transphobia. It's quieter, but there. My parents' transphobia comes in the form of "everything to do with my transition is an inconvenience". And so I've had to learn (the hard way) that even quiet wounds still hurt, because they're still wounds. Examples!

My name. I've been experimenting with a new name (Asteri), and my parents have simply refused to use it. Their reasoning is that they have a lot of emotional attachment to my birth name, and can't possibly call me anything else. When I asked to change my name in my school's database, I was told that my parents didn't feel comfortable with that because it would be confusing for them.

My hair. When I asked my mom to let me cut my hair to my shoulders, she freaked out. It wasn't totally about my transition, but comments about me wanting to "look like a boy" were made. When I asked again about cutting my hair even shorter around my face, comments on how it was "masculine" in a negative tone ensued.

My pronouns, and general identity. Asking for different pronouns to be used was a hassle, and my parents are still very confused. Fundamentally, they don't think that being non-binary exists, so that's fun. 

Basically, everything's about them and not me. They're so focused on how my transition is affecting them that they're not stopping to look at their beautiful child who just wants to be happy. So what if I change my name? So what if I cut most of my hair off? This self-centeredness and transphobia has made me wary to ask to buy a binder, even though I know it would help decrease my dysphoria. Because they're so concerned that I "want to become a boy", like it would even be a bad thing if I did.

Everything is always "one more thing you're throwing at us, just when we think we've caught up", and I don't get it. I mean, I understand that it's a lot to process. That does seem really difficult. But I don't know why that's standing in the way so much of me being able to be happy. The processing can happen in line with this; I only have so long to be a teenager.

So, for all my lovlies (of which there are probably like 2): you are loved. You deserve your gender mixers, be they short hair, long hair, a binder, bras, "boy's" clothes, "girl's clothes", hormones... You deserve to have the things that make you happy and make you feel like you. 

You deserve to feel confident and sure in your identity. Cause I sat in the car after being told I couldn't change my name at school and questioned whether I was actually genderfluid. And of course I am, but no one deserves that kind of self-consciousness <3

Hang in there, beautifuls <3

--Asteri